I tried so hard
by Fyrewire
Summary: Rodney has some things in his past his friends may never know of.


Hey! Emma back with a songshot to an original song. Hope you like it.

--

The fire cast an eerie glow over the room.

If one were to look at the fireplace they would see a single figure hunched over a book.

But they weren't reading it. No…

The book was a photo album. Or, as the person hunched over it with tears in their eyes called it, the chronicle of failed attempts.

**I'll never forget…**

**The pain that you've caused me.**

**I'll never let myself…**

**Open up again.**

It brought back so many memories he didn't want to visit.

So much pain…

**I tried so hard**

**I fell so fast**

**And the pain you caused**

**Is coming back**

He had been five when he first tried to impress them. He had noticed his dad taking a liking to the piano.

He asked him for lessons.

His dad had been reluctant, afraid that he'd ruin the piano. But eventually he relented.

While learning to play the piano he'd also taken an interest in science.

They were his passions. They would make his parents love him.

**How could you have let me fall like that?**

**I was just a kid**

**I wanted you to be proud of me**

**But you never even saw the tears running from my eyes**

When he was seven Jeannie had been born.

That was when his parents' focus shifted from him, barely, to Jeannie, fully.

He had resented her for that. At least when he was an only child they paid some attention to him. Now he was lucky if their dad remembered to give him piano lessons.

**I tried so hard**

**I fell so fast**

**And the pain you caused**

**Is coming back**

When he was eleven he made a bomb for the science fair. Confident that it would make his parents proud of him

For a little bit, it did… Until the CIA came to the house.

After that his father stopped the piano lessons.

That was when he stopped trying to earn their love. Deciding that it just wasn't worth it.

**You never let me be truly happy**

**You destroyed my hopes and dreams**

**If I ask you'd never help me**

**I was torn apart deep inside**

At fifteen he'd been accepted to the best college on a physics scholarship.

Did his parents care? Or attend his graduation?

Nope. Because Jeannie had a ballet recital the same night.

Even after the years of not trying it still hurt to be second in their hearts.

It was like they had locked him outside on a rainy night.

**I tried so hard**

**I fell so fast**

**And the pain you caused**

**Is coming back**

At twenty-two he had a degree in astrophysics.

Not that his parents cared. After all _Jeannie_ had gotten straight A's all school year.

Sometimes he found himself really wanting to hate her. But he couldn't. He would never be able to.

**By the time I realized**

**That you'd never love me**

**I was to torn**

**To open up again**

At thirty he found himself single and living in the same city as his sister.

It was then he'd been approached to work at area 51.

How could he refuse?

Of course him and Jeannie had a screaming match when he told her and she hadn't come to see him off.

He tried not to let it bother him. But in truth. It hurt him so much more than he wanted to admit. She was the last relative he was on speaking terms with (Any that had spoken to him before had died.) and, looking back, he saw that as the first break in their relationship.

**I tried so hard**

**I fell so fast**

**And the pain you caused**

**Is coming back**

When he was thirty-two he had met Samantha Carter. He got the feeling that they didn't hit it off too well.

It might have something with her telling him to go suck on a lemon.

He also moved to Russia. Where a spy for a rogue agency shot him.

Someone was out to ruin his life. He was sure of it. Why else was he suffering so much?

**I was so broken**

**I didn't know**

**Which way to turn**

At thirty-four he and his sister had a full falling out when she told him that she was pregnant.

She had said that he was being a conceited ass and he told her she didn't understand.

It was true. She didn't understand.

In truth he would have been fine with Jeannie getting pregnant and getting married if it hadn't been for the fact that she had also decided to quit her studies.

Physics was the only thing that he felt they could truly connect over. No matter how many other things they spoke about physics was the binding glue…

Now, without physics, their relationship fell apart.

**I tried so hard**

**I fell so fast**

**And the pain you caused**

**Is coming back**

When he got put into Atlantis he expected to be a scientist. Working in the labs and yelling at the incompetent fools who screwed up an equation.

But when he found his name on the roster for SGA-1…

Wow. He just couldn't describe it. Why had he, of all people, been chosen?

It wasn't until much later that he learned Sheppard himself had chosen his team members.

That had come as more of a shock to him. Why would someone voluntarily choose to spend time with him?

When he'd asked Sheppard all he'd said was, "Because when everyone else had given up hope you were to stubborn to admit defeat."

Thinking about it. He realized that was true. It was the way he'd been living his life.

"If only you knew." He had muttered before leaving.

**My heart was breaking**

**I'd lost my way**

**And thinking back**

**I know why it hurt to stay**

When Jeannie and him made up a part of him feel whole again. To have his sister and him start anew.

He also saw part of what was regained be destroyed when Carson died. It was terrible. Like the writing on a wall that you think will last forever but then fades away before you know it.

**I tried so hard**

**I fell so fast**

**And the pain you caused**

**Is coming back**

Over the years he'd tried to convince himself that they weren't his friends, or family like he'd said on the tape to Jeannie. But when he walked onto the north pier to find a surprise birthday party set up… It had just shocked him

They had immediately forced him into a seat, expecting him to try and run. In truth he hadn't planned on it. This was truly the nicest thing anyone had done for him.

**Now I finally see**

**I am my own person**

**I finally let go**

**I have left you in the past**

Over the next few years Rodney's relationships with his friends, no, _family_ grew better.

After a few weeks of John forcing him into it he started doing training every morning. He actually lost some fat and gained some muscle thanks to that.

Him and Katie had broken up by the end of their third year of dating, looking back he could see that it was inevitable, she was too sweet.

On a good note, he and Sam got married the year before and Sam was expecting their first child.

Jeannie and him spoke regularly, She had taken physics back up and gotten a job at the SGC. They E-mailed each other at least once a week.

The StarGate program had been revealed. Atlantis now occasionally had a field trip running through its halls.

In truth. Rodney was truly happy.

**It hurt so much**

**But I can last**

**And the pain you caused**

**Remains in the past**

He sat in front of the fireplace. The photo album was of his parents. Of all the things he'd done trying to impress them.

"Grampa?" Came the voice of his young granddaughter.

"Yes Susie?" He asked. His voice scratchy, showing signs of his age.

"Gramma pwomised me you'd weed me a stowy." The three year old slurred.

"She did, did she?" Rodney's lips quirked into a small smiled.

"Mm-hm." Susie nodded.

"I'll be there in a minute. I just need to finish something."

Susie smiled. Rodney could hear it in her voice.

"Tenk you Grampa." She sad before running to the room she was staying in.

**I have a new life**

**You are far from my mind**

**I'm happy now**

**Everything is finally fine…**

Rodney slowly stood up, photo album in hand, and stared at the fireplace for a moment longer.

Sighing, he tossed the album into the flame, watching as the pages burned.

"Grampa!" Susie called impatiently.

"I'm coming you impatient brat!" He called, albeit jokingly.

"Gramma!"

"Meredith!" Sam called in mock anger. She knew that he didn't mean to insult their granddaughter.

"You know I hate that name!"

"That's why I called you it."

"Grampa!" Susie called again.

"I'm coming! What book do you want?" Rodney called. Laughter in his voice.

"Horton Hears a Who!"

Casting one look back at the fireplace he gave a small smirk in satisfaction when he saw the photo album completely burnt.

"Goodbye forever. I'm leaving you in the past. You're just a memory now. And it is fading fast." He sung softly under his breath. Remembering a song he had heard long ago. It just seemed to fit.

"GRAMPA!"

"I'm coming!"

--

Hey. Sorry this took so long to post (At least for those of you who knew of it) I've had a lot on my plate with 4H starting to pick up.

Song is "I tried so hard" By Me.

Also, thanks to this story's beta Miss Pookamonga. You rock!


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